wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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