I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
