My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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