TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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