the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
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