I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Randomize
