mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Randomize
