Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
