Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize