I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize