I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
