If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize