If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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