she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize