my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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