Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
