I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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