you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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