my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
