Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
