I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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