if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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