Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
