There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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