so that wasnt chicken after all
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
