decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
