I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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