When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
