Who wears a wallet chain?!
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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