just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
