If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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