and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
