Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
