Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
