Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
