1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
