Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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