he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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