guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
