i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
