I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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