So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
