I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
