New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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