K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
My apartment stinks of burning failure
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
