I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
