pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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