'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
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