my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
