your parents love me but you hate me
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Floor bacon is actually really good
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
