I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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