need another drink. this is the easiest way
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
