I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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