I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
As shirtless as possible
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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