i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
