how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
