You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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