Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
